


Feelings are Stupid

by Kristinabird



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aurors, Epistolary, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22963129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristinabird/pseuds/Kristinabird
Summary: Harry and Draco have joined the Auror training program. First year trainees are put through a boot camp and must bunk together in two man rooms. Guess who gets paired together...
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 207
Collections: A Very Drarry Valentine's Day Exchange





	Feelings are Stupid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Etalice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etalice/gifts).



> So this is a fic I was assigned to pinch hit for in this exchange, imagine my delight to be assigned the absolutley fabulous [Etalice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etalice/pseuds/Etalice) who is a dear friend whose writing I always ADORE! I hope she enjoys this, and I hope all of you do too. 
> 
> Thanks as always to the incomparable [Andithiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andithiel/pseuds/Andithiel) who has been my beta for what feels like forever, and with every fic it feels liks she knows me more and more and exactly NAILS it with her wonderful insight.

* * *

_Well. This is stupid. I don’t even know what the point of this is. Do you hear that Healer Thompson!!! THIS. IS._ STUPID _. I’m supposed to be expressing my feelings in a safe and constructive way by putting them in this stupid journal. Ok Ella, how about this? I am the son of Death Eaters, and a former Death Eater myself. I was young and arrogant and stupid and blind and FUCK THIS! Those are my feelings. It doesn’t matter that I have been aquitted based on the testimony of the sodding “Hero of the Wizarding World”. Nobody cares. Nobody cares that I have nightmares about what I’ve seen, and the fear I felt living with LORD FUCKING VOLDEMORT. Nobody cares that I’m so ashamed and remorseful for the pain and suffering I know I’m responsible for, that I can hardly sleep at night. Nobody cares that all I want is to be redeemed and that I know that I never will be. It doesn’t matter. This journal doesn’t matter, my stupid efforts to be better don’t matter, and it definitely doesn't matter that I applied and was accepted into the first year Auror Training Program. Because here in first year intensive training we are quartered in pairs for boot camp and Harry FUCKING Potter is my roommate. I’m sorry. Did I say roommate? I meant babysitter. That’s the only explanation I can think of for this housing assignment. SO HEALER THOMPSON, HOW’S THIS FOR EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS CONSTRUCTIVELY YOU POINTLESS HAG? “FUCK THIS!”_

* * *

Potter walked into their tiny shoebox of a room, rucksack slung over his shoulder, looking oddly sheepish. “So, I guess we’re meant to bunk together.”

“Oh, well spotted Potter,” said Draco, mask of sarcastic indifference firmly in place as he sat on his bed back leaned against the wall. “What tipped you off? The posted room assignments? Our names on the door? Or the fact that I am currently sitting in the bunk opposite yours in this little hellhole we now get to call home?”

Potter took in a deep breath. “Look Malfoy, I don’t like this any better than you do but—”

“Don’t you?” Draco laughed. “Honestly, this is so ridiculous. To think, I thought when I was accepted into the training academy, that I might actually be taken seriously, but NO apparently I still need looking after—”

“You think I had something to do with this?” Potter’s face turned red, green eyes flashing. “Merlin, Malfoy! Get over yourself! You aren’t the center of the bloody universe! I’m no more pleased about this than you are!”

“Oh no? Are you sure?” Draco spat,”I thought “Stalk Malfoy” was your favourite game? Well, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not up to anything this time. I’m just trying to get through training the same as everybody else and—”

“MALFOY! Shut it!”

Draco stilled.

“I'm also trying to get through training the same as the rest! I _also_ don’t want my past brought up in courses. I don’t need or want that sort of attention or pressure. I just want to get through the program. So how about we call a truce?”

Harry threw his rucksack on his bunk. 

“I sleep here,” he pointed to his meager cot, “you sleep there,” he pointed at Draco on his equally shabby bed only 3 feet away, “and neither of us kills the other while they’re sleeping. Sound fair?”

“Fine.” Draco threw himself onto his mattress, punched at his pillow, and curled onto his side, “But no promises if it turns out you snore.”

* * *

_I don’t know why I’m still writing in this stupid thing. Ministry ordered therapy is stupid and_ you _are stupid, Healer Thompson, and_ this is stupid _... Auror training isn’t stupid though... It turns out I’m actually quite good at it. Turns out being top of my year (second to Granger, damn her....) wasn’t a fluke. It’s funny, I actually always suspected Father bought my grades. It always made me insecure and defensive. Imagine my surprise when Mother told me he didn’t need to. That actually, he was proud of me for my intelligence and I’d earned them on my own. I wish I’d have known that when he was alive._

_Also it turns out that spending time holed up as a prisoner in your own home learning defensive magic for fear of your life comes in handy when dueling. I mean I was good before… but now… apparently I’m exceptional._

_Potter isn’t what I expected. We’ve been paired together in dueling often because we’re nearly evenly matched. I mean he’s still better than I am. (A thing I would never write down unless I knew that the spells I use to make this journal appear blank to anyone but me weren’t_ solid). _But he’s also… I don’t know..._ different _... than the Potter I thought I knew. When I lose a duel he helps me up, he tells me how he caught me off guard and how I could fix it. He never gloats about it. He seems to genuinely want to help._

_He’s still useless at potions. But now, he listens to me when I explain to him when he’s being an idiot._

_I am so out of my depth when it comes to this new Potter. Was he always like this? Somehow I doubt it. But maybe now, after everything, he’s changed. It feels like I’m meeting an entirely new person. Sometimes at night after lights out we get to talking. I believe him when he says he doesn’t want his past to factor into his future. I think he believes me too. In fact he might be the only one here who does._

* * *

“Malfoy?” Potter whispered into the dark room.

“Nghhhh… It’s late… what, Potter?” Draco said as he burrowed into his pillow.

“When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

“What?” Draco pulled his blanket up above his head and tried to disappear into a fortress of bedding. 

“What did you want to be when you grew up?”

“You’re keeping me awake for this?” Draco flipped his head out of the covers. “Go to bed Potter,” he said as he resettled himself amongst his blankets.

“I’m curious.” Potter sat up on one elbow peering at Draco. 

Draco stilled. “You first.”

“I wanted to be an airline pilot,” Potter said as he rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. 

“A what?” 

“An airline pilot! I wanted to fly planes. I always thought it would be fantastic to wear a uniform, and be a Captain. People respect Captains and the girls all fawn over them. But I guess it was mostly that I wanted to take off from the ground, and leave the world behind, fly up in the air and travel to new and interesting places.” Potter smiled as he thought about his childhood fantasy. 

“What in Merlin’s name is a plane? Why would that be a career? You can fly anytime you want with a broom. Or the odd illegal carpet…”

“Muggles don’t have brooms, Draco. Planes are a Muggle invention, they’re big metal vehicles that can fly in the air and carry people and cargo and stuff. You’ve never heard of planes?”

“Never learned much about Muggle things, Father…” Draco trailed off. “Well, nevermind. Interesting that that’s what you wanted to do... Now you can fly anytime you like.”

Draco curled back up and after a moments silence Potter spoke. 

“Well…?” He twisted to look at Draco. 

“Well what?” 

“What did you want to do?”

“Oh… um… I... wanted to be a potions master.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not.”

“Malfoy, I can tell when you lie, your face scrunches up a bit when you lie.”

“No it doesn’t!”

“Yes it does. Your face is doing it right now.” Potter raised an eyebrow and looked at him challengingly. “What did you really want to be?”

Draco turned to lie on his back staring up at the ceiling, he closed his eyes and sighed. “I wanted to be the first Wizard to invent a way to go into the stars.”

“You wanted to be an astronaut!”

“Ok, now you’re just making things up!”

“No, I’m not. It’s a real thing. Muggles have studied space too—”

“What’s space?”

“Outer space, that's what they call the stars or whatever you call it. Things that aren’t on this planet. Anyway, they’ve sent out what they call probes to take pictures of the planets close up and they have space stations to study things and do experiments, and they’ve walked on the moon and— Malfoy?”

“I had no idea… and they did all that without magic… I…”

“Draco?” Harry’s voice was so sincere and concerned. Hearing his given name for the first time from those lips made one of the walls Draco had worked so hard to build between him and the world crumble.

“There are so many things I didn’t know as a child.”

“Me too.”

“But we both wanted to fly up and away from the world. Isn’t that interesting?”

“I suppose it is.”

“Go to bed. I don’t want you to use being tired as an excuse for why I trounce you tomorrow in hand to hand combat.”

“You wish.”

“Goodnight… Harry.”

“Goodnight Draco.”

* * *

_This is still stupid because I say it is. If I admitted that it was useful, that would mean I was wrong and I hate being wrong. Then again, I’m finding out more and more things that I am and have been wrong about these days. Maybe learning to admit it, even if it is to this stupid book, is a good idea. Here’s one thing I was wrong about. Harry is not my roommate to be my babysitter. After looking at the roster and roommate assignments with a level head for the first time after 4 weeks, it is in fact because we were all assigned in alphabetical order by surname and M is before P. There are no other male trainees with names that begin with N or O._

_The fact that he is now also my partner after the partner assignments were made is however… not alphabetical. Nor do I think it’s in an effort to babysit me. I grudgingly think that it’s because we compliment each other. I am calculating where he is rash and impulsive, and he is decisive when I overthink things._

_I wish we didn’t work so well together, because more and more I find myself drawn to him. He seems to understand me in a way nobody ever has. He has this uncanny ability to see through me. And fuck him for it. Because I have spent years building up walls and making myself safe behind them, and those walls are more important now than they ever were, because now I’m sneered at and judged at every turn rather than respected and feared because of a legacy I’m now ashamed of. But he still holds true to what he said that first day. He wants to live without the burdens of the past._

_I think I’m in love with him._

_Is that possible? Surely not. It’s probably just me latching on to a port in the storm. But more and more I find myself wanting to touch him. To be close to him. This doesn’t feel like friendship. I mean it does. Of course it does. But it also feels like more. Only to me, I’m sure. But sometimes, when we spar and he has me pinned beneath him, he looks at me with those laughing green eyes and I think I see something… It’s ridiculous. Impossible really. I just need to get out of training intact and ready for the Aurors. Away from Harry sodding Potter. Why is it that, for good or bad, he’s always the bane of my existence?”_

* * *

  
  


“God, that had to have been the worst meal we’ve ever been served here,” Draco said as he flopped onto his cot. “Do you think they’re trying to test us? See who can survive the best on either food poisoning or starvation?”

“I wouldn’t put it past them. What do you think the brown stuff was?”

“A mystery better left unsolved.”

“Merlin, today was rough,” Harry said as he collapsed onto his bed. “Good spar, though. You’re getting better at not favouring your left side.”

“Well, you're getting better at antidotes, and if they keep serving meals like that, Merlin knows you’ll need them.” Draco rolled over and looked at Harry. “So, whose turn is it to pick the card game for the night?”

“Oh… well… actually, I can’t.”

“You can’t? Why, because you’re afraid to lose? Fine. I say we play—”

“No…” Harry looked a bit panicked and wouldn’t meet Draco’s eye. “I can’t because I won’t be here. I’m headed out for a bit.”

“What, for extra spell practice? I told you if you were going to set up that group that I would join you—”

“NO!…” he shouted quickly, and a bit louder than necessary. “ I have a date… type... thing.” 

“A date type thing?”

Harry coughed. “Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“I hope that’s ok.” 

“Why wouldn’t it be? You’re a free man. Have fun.”

“It’s with Laurie from the administration office, I don’t know if you’ve met. But—”

“Nope, haven’t had the pleasure. Well, I hope your date with Laurie from the administration office goes well.” 

“Yeah. I uhh… Draco… I—”

“Oh Harry, do shut up and get ready for your date. Just don’t wake me when you come in, please.” 

“Yeah, sure.”

* * *

_He’s dating someone. I’m such an idiot. I thought maybe if…_

_Doesn’t matter, because he’s dating someone. I’m sure Laurie is a big breasted redhead who fawns over him like he’s the world's gift to women. He’s straight. He’s always been straight. My stupid fantasies were absurd. Not just because he’s straight Draco, but because he’s him and you are you. Just because you fancy yourself in love and think you see a twinkle doesn’t mean you have a chance with the straight, gorgeous, hero. It means you are desperate and pathetic. Put it away Draco and focus on training. Get top marks and be sure you can get a good post. He’s straight, and you never had a chance. Head back in the game. Father was wrong about a great many things, but he wasn’t wrong when he said sentiment and emotion were weaknesses that cripple an ambitious man. I was foolish to let my guard down._

* * *

Harry entered their room, clearly just back from the showers and sheepishly knocked on the door frame as he came in, “Draco?”

“Hmm?” Draco sat with his back against the wall, knees drawn up, face buried in a training manual, and unstyled hair falling into his eyes as he read.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes,” he said, without looking up. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I dunno.” Harry shrugged. “But you seem different recently. Is something bothering you?

Harry sat on his bed, leaning in and looking desperate to get Draco to talk. 

“Nope. I’m simply trying to study so I can pass this bloody year.”

“Want to play hearts?” Harry reached towards their shared nightstand. “I can grab the cards. It’s my turn to pick the game so—”

“I’m busy Harry,” Draco said refusing to look up at Harry “Go away.”

Harry seemed at a loss for words, clearly out of his depth.

“Oh, ok If you need help practicing sparring, I think the training room is open, maybe we could—”

“Thank you Harry, I really appreciate it. But I think it’s best that I study and train on my own, so that when I graduate training nobody thinks it was because I had the help of the ‘Golden Boy’.”

Harry looked like he’d been slapped in the face. 

“Besides, aren’t you supposed to meet Laurie soon? You’d better get cleaned up or she probably won’t let you take her to bed tonight.”

Harry looked confused. “She? Draco wha—”

“Knock, knock!” came a cheery voice as the door to their little room was cautiously opened. 

In stepped a gorgeous, tall, man with slender features, dark hair, and the most piercing blue eyes Draco had ever seen. 

“Laurie! Hey! I thought we said eight?”

Draco looked quickly back to his book, feigning disinterest while something hot and snarling took up residence in his chest. 

“I got off a bit early and I wanted to see where you live.” Laurie smiled as he tucked his hands behind his back and surveyed their quarters. “So… this is your room huh? It’s very… quaint.” His eyes examined their shared space, before focusing on Draco. “And you must be Draco. I’ve heard a lot about you from Harry.” He stepped forward and extended a hand. 

Draco uncoiled himself from his position and stood, taking the offered hand, acutely aware that he was at least 4 inches shorter than the strange Greek God standing before him and trying desperately to appear the posh aristocrat his father trained him to be. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Laurie took his hand and met his eye. Something cautious and predatory passed between them, but Draco turned away, unwilling to meet the penetrating gaze. 

“Well, shall we Harry? I know a great Indian place and I thought I might take you out for a good curry.”

“Oh!” Harry exclaimed, looking between them. “Uh… yeah. Let’s go. Sounds good.”

He tore off his trainee robes and threw on a navy coloured jumper. “Nothing fancy is it? Sorry, I didn’t have time to get ready properly.”

“No love, you look perfect just as you are.” 

Laurie took his hand and pulled him in close for a deep, languid kiss. 

As he kissed Harry, Laurie opened his eyes and looked directly at Draco with an intense gaze that clearly said, ‘ _mine, back off’._

Draco intended to. He hardly needed the warning. Harry was dangerous. He was a landmine. There was no way Draco could touch him and walk away intact. 

Harry gasped as Laurie broke the kiss. “Ok. Good,” he said, nervously running his fingers through his hair. “That’s good then.” Harry turned to Draco who had repositioned himself against the wall on his cot, knees up and face into his book. “I guess I’ll see you later Draco.”

“I won’t wait up.” 

And with that Laurie pulled Harry out of the room. Sweeping him into his arms and out of Draco’s life. 

* * *

_Laurie is a man. Laurie IS A MAN. All this time I thought that Harry wouldn’t want me because he was straight, but really it's just that he would never want ME. In fact not only is Laurie a man, he is literally one of the most beautiful men I have ever fucking seen. Of course Harry would pull what amounts to the Statue of David in designer robes. If I’d known he was interested in men, I would have—_

_I would have what?_

_What would you have done, you idiot?_

_You would have done NOTHING, because you are a coward who overthinks everything and never takes chances that you aren’t guaranteed to win. You always knew growing up that Father would never let you fail no matter what, because he never wanted failure associated with his name._

_And then you failed anyway by being too afraid to leave when you knew you should. And now you are here. Focus on what matters, this training. A life you can actually have if you work for it without a safety net. Don’t focus on chasing the impossible man you’ve been fixated on for almost your entire life. No matter how green his eyes are, or the way they light up when you make him laugh, or the fact that he is strangely the only person left in this world who might actually know the real you and likes you anyway. Don’t focus on the way he looks when he sleeps and how hilarious he looks when you toss things at him to wake him up for breakfast, half blind and hair even more ridiculous than usual. And don’t focus on the absolute trust you see in his eyes when you work training drills together. Just let it go._

_OH SWEET FUCKING MERLIN. I just heard a thunk and a moan at the door and I’m fairly certain they are snogging up against it. What did I do to deserve this? Never mind. I know exactly what I did to deserve this. Well played universe, well played. Maybe I’ll Obliviate myself._

“I have to go… I have to be up in the morning—”

“Shhh baby… Merlin you’re gorgeous. Why don’t we leave and go back to mine? I want you…”

Draco heard another thunk and several wet noises along with the rustling of fabric. There was a deep moan and... Dear Morgana, he'd rather suffer the Dementor’s kiss. He pulled his blankets over his head and prayed that they _would_ just go back to Laurie’s. It would kill him, but at least he could stay up torturing himself in peace without having to listen to the live show. 

“I know Laurie, but Draco and I have—”

“Draco’s a big boy.” There weren’t enough blankets in the world to block out the sounds Draco was hearing. “Forget about him, he’ll be fine.” 

“Another time Laurie.” Draco heard fumbling at the door handle, and suddenly light from the hallway flooded the room as Harry and Laurie spilled through the door disheveled and thoroughly debauched. “Fuck!” 

Laurie giggled as he pulled Harry into another sloppy kiss. “Alright, I can take a hint. Goodnight gorgeous, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Night, Laurie.” Draco could practically hear Harry blush as he kissed him and sent him on his way. Harry shut the door and leaned against it for a moment.

“Draco?” he whispered, “Are you awake?” 

Draco remained as still as possible, praying he could fool Harry for once.

“Draco, please?” 

Draco remained steadfastly motionless, and Harry sighed. “Ok. Goodnight anyway, then.”

* * *

_I’m done with this journal. I was right the first time. This is pointless. Expressing my feelings has done nothing for me but expose me to pain and weakness. For once my father was right. I can’t deal with this anymore._

* * *

Draco sat curled up on his bed trying desperately to read and memorize the Aurors Standard Operating Procedures Manual and failing miserably. He hadn’t slept in days, preffering instead to practice his sparring in the gym until he thought Harry was asleep and dipping into the trainee’s mess for only enough time to grab something handheld and get out. It was leaving him feeling both hungry, and slightly on edge. He looked around and hoped that if he focused hard enough he could reseal Pandora’s box, when his door banged open.

“WHAT THE FUCK, DRACO!”

Draco froze, took a deep breath and looked up with as much cool indifference as he could muster. 

“Oh, hello. Can I help you, Potter?”

“CAN I HELP YOU?” Harry shouted, hair a mess, evidently having been aggressively abused in some sort of fit. “CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU!?”

Draco raised a cool eyebrow, even though inside his stomach was in knots. “Yes, that’s what I said, Potter. Did I stutter, or did something happen to your hearing during today's obstacle course? Did you not protect yourself when you saw the mandrakes?”

  
“Oh, don’t be like that you fucking arsehole. You’ve barely looked or spoken to me in weeks, and then I woke up this morning and you were fucking gone.” Harry began to pace as he launched into a rapid tirade. “Your books, your clothes, everything! Did you not consider what that would do to me? I thought something had happened! I thought you’d had an emergency, or that you’d been taken! Because surely you wouldn’t just sneak out and leave in the middle of the night. I stormed into Gregson’s office and demanded to know where you were and what was wrong because I was fucking _terrified,_ and he looked at me like I was deranged, explaining that he thought I knew. That YOU had put in a request to switch rooms last week, as well as a request for a NEW FUCKING PARTNER, and that you had been informed that it was approved TWO DAYS AGO! None of this, by the way, did you think was information you should discuss or share with _me_ . And now I find you hiding out, sharing a room with fucking Crief! The class incompetent who I _know you can’t stand_ and you have the balls to sit there, calm as you please, like you don’t see why I am upset you FUCKING ARSEHOLE!”

Draco set down his book as calmly as he could pretend to be in the face of the one person who, despite his best efforts, never failed to evoke some sort of emotion in him whether for good or evil. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you cared—”

“You didn’t know I—” Harry sputtered, “Draco! Are you—”

“Let me rephrase,” Draco continued. “Neither one of us was pleased with our rooming assignment when we received it. When Aris flunked out, Crief had an empty bunk. So I seized the opportunity. As to switching partners, I thought I mentioned the other week, I am already viewed with suspicion both here and in the community at large, I can’t afford to be seen to pass simply because Harry Potter is my partner.”

Harry looked crestfallen as he turned away, running his hands through his already disheveled hair. “But we agreed… we _both_ wanted to forget and start again, and you—” 

“Potter, I think we can _both agree_ that you and I don’t have the best track record when it comes to making level-headed and solid decisions. I was simply correcting a mistake.”’

“A mistake… you think that we were a mistake…”

As everything in Draco screamed, he said, “Yes.”

“Fine, if that’s how you feel, then great. Enjoy bunking with Crief, It looks like Anderson is your new partner. Try not to get hexed. He tends to panic and abandon his partner when he gets overwhelmed. Oh… wait, never mind. I’m sure you’ll get along perfectly. Goodbye Draco.”

“At least I’ll get some sleep.” Draco mumbled as he tried to tuck back into his book.

“What?” Harry whipped around, “What the fuck did you just say to me?” 

“Nothing, I said nothing _to you_ ,” Draco said, grabbing another book at random, pulling his legs up and pretending to flip through it for a reference he didn’t need.

“Fuck you, you obnoxious arsehole! I have no idea why I thought I might actually—”

“Stop whining Potter! I thought you’d be happy having a room to yourself. Now you can do whatever you like in it without anyone in your way. Much more private. One good thing about Martin, he may be an imbecile but he doesn’t—”

“OH. MY. GOD.” Harry looked at him as if seeing him truly for the first time in weeks. “This is about Laurie. How did I not see it? I’m such an idiot. When you feel afraid you tuck your knees up on your bed.”

“What are you on about, Potter, I do not.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No I don’t!” Draco tossed the book onto stupid Martin’s bed and stood up, brushing his hair out of his eyes and pointing a finger at Harry, slowly backing him against the wall. “Let’s get one thing straight: you don’t know shit about me, Potter. I am not your roommate, I am not your trainee partner, and I am certainly not your fucking friend!” Draco paused, out of breath from his tirade, and suddenly aware of how close he was to Potter.

“I know,” said Harry also seeming to take in their proximity, eyes sparkling and suddenly dangerous. He reached out and grabbed Draco by the shirt, pulling him close. “You’re something better.”

Draco’s chest collided with Harry’s in a ‘wumph’ of air, and suddenly he was being deeply, and thoroughly kissed. 

He should stop this. 

He should definitely stop this. 

He was supposed to be putting his emotions back in a box. But somehow his brain failed to tell that to his hands, as one reached up and into Harry’s hair and the other snaked down, to his arse, pulling their hips together and grinding against him. Harry made a low moan, deepening the kiss and squeezing Draco’s arse as he pushed his hard length against Draco’s. Draco’s brain finally caught up and sent off the warning signal, he pushed back, holding an arm out and separating them by at least 3 feet.

“Harry, stop.”

Harry obediently lifted his hands in a gesture of submission. “I’m sorry, I got carried away. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Draco, looked away, biting his lip and willing his erection to go away. He needed to get himself back under control. “No, you shouldn’t have.”

“But Draco,” Harry said quietly. “Why not? Just now... You clearly want me too. It makes sense, you and I. Surely you see that.”

“Because, for one, you’re dating fucking Laurie. Who is gorgeous, and not former Death Eater scum, which means that he’s better than me in at least two aspects, probably more. And second, because there is no possible way you could want this in the long term and I…”

Draco looked down.

“You what, Draco?” Harry said softly. 

“I… nevermind, just please go.”  
“No! You what, Draco?” He his voice was pleading but insistent. “I need to know what you’re feeling. Please?”

  
“Fine! If you have to know, I really care about you! And I can’t do this just one time and be ok later! I can’t taste you and never get to have you again! And I was asked to make this stupid journal by my STUPID mind healer and I found out that feelings are stupid and my father was right because I started to become weaker when I started to fall in love with—” Draco felt the colour leave his face. “Oh look at the time! Is that dinner hour? I better be off—”

“OH NO YOU DON’T!” Harry shouted as he grabbed a fleeing Draco’s wrist and spun him back in. “And here I was, thinking you were the smart one. When really you're an idiot.”

“I am _not_ an—”

“I love you too.” Harry smiled and smoothed Draco’s hair from his face. “I think I knew the day you smacked me with a pillow for snoring, and said you were not murdering me ‘as a kindness’, then gave me breakfast in a napkin since I overslept, then called me an idiot, then hit me in the face with my robes and told me that if I was late people would think you murdered me so I needed to show up for ‘proof of life’. You could have left, and gone to class, but that was you caring. And after years of smothering by Hermione and Molly, I liked the way you said I love you.“ 

“I didn’t mean… and besides… Laurie…”

“Draco, I broke up with Laurie. I only agreed to go out with him in the first place because I was spending so much time with you and I thought... well I thought there was no way you could ever feel for me what I was feeling for you. I mean Merlin Draco! Have you met you? You are so unbelievably intelligent, and clever, and so surprisingly funny.” Harry smiled nervously. “When I was assigned to be your bunkmate I thought it would be the worst hell imaginable, but it turned out it was easy. You are the only person besides Ron and Hermione and my immediate Weasley family to see me for me. You aren’t in awe of me. You’re just… you. And as it turns out, what you are is still very frequently an areshole. But I honestly don’t care, because I’ve found that you make my days brighter, you make me better at training, you keep me level when I’m being ridiculous. Draco, I thought you saw that.”

He sighed, closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. “I’m such an idiot… I thought you saw that but didn’t want _me_! So when Laurie made it clear that he was interested, I was so wound up and frustrated, I just wanted to get you out of my system and move on for the sake of our friendship. But then, even that went wrong,because you were pulling away from me. I felt like I lost you and I didn’t know why. It was killing me, and the more Laurie pushed and tried to be my boyfriend and get me into bed, the more wrong it felt and I just… I couldn’t anymore. So I broke up with him and I came to our room last night and you were gone. I thought you were just out training or something, you’d been avoiding me so I didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t until this morning when you still weren’t there that I noticed your things were gone that I panicked.”

Harry began to look a bit flushed and overwhelmed, “Draco, I thought you left because you didn’t want me around anymore. I came here because I couldn’t bear the idea that you were leaving and even if I could have you I wanted you back in any capacity. But then… I find out that all this time… all this time you… and with Laurie… I was hurting you… and I didn’t know. I didn’t know and… I’m sorry… and now… I’m such an idiot. If you don’t want this anymore, I understand. I should just go.”

Harry pushed himself off the wall and turned to leave. 

“Honestly, Potter, you are the world's biggest twat.” 

Harry paused, hand on the doorknob. “I’m aware Draco, no need to point out what I’ve already said.”

“Giving up that easily? What are you, scared Potter?””

Harry turned around confused, “Draco wha-”

Draco chuckled, “Come back here and kiss me you colossal idiot.”

Harry was across the room in seconds pulling Draco to him in a deep, hungry kiss.

After a minute or so, Draco pulled back breathless, staring into Harry’s bright, awestruck eyes. He brushed the hair out of his face bringing his palm to rest on Harry’s cheek, leaning in and planting a sweet, chaste kiss he smirked. “I have no idea how you managed before I came along to tell you you were an idiot.”

“I love you too you arrogant bastard.” Harry’s face lit up as he dove back in to claim Draco’s mouth.

* * *

  
  


_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_It just might be possible, that the journaling was a good suggestion. I’m sorry for calling you a pointless hag._

_D.Malfoy._

  
  


_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_Sorry for the addendum, Harry Potter here. Thank you for making my idiot boyfriend journal and connect with his feelings. It turns out for years he worked far too hard to suppress them and without you I would never have gotten to see this adorable, sentimental side of the man I love._

_Harry_

  
_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_Please disregard that. Harry has clearly had one of his many emotional outbursts and spoken out of turn. I am NEVER adorable or sentimental._

_Regards,_ _Malfoy_

  
_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_Yes he is._

_Harry_

  
  


_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_No I am not and I have clearly saddled myself with a deranged person. Can you give me a journaling assignment to fix that?_

  
  


_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_He made me dinner because the food in the mess is disgusting and he even provided a CANDLE!_

  
  
_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_I was hungry, I’m good at cooking, the food here sucks and I bribed a cook to give me access to the kitchens. It only made sense to make two portions and the candle was to give better illumination to the table._

_Dear Healer Thompson,_

_Isn’t he Cute?_

  
  


_Dear Auror Trainees Potter and Malfoy,_

_I am delighted to see that I was able to help. Now, may I suggest that you kindly give your poor owls a rest, and do something more constructive with your time. I fear my name will go down in infamy for being partly responsible for the mayhem you two will wreak on the Wizarding world as a team. Take care of yourselves and each other, and please remember that I do couples bookings..._


End file.
